📰 Naija Newspaper Headlines – 02/08/2025 (Pidgin + Small Laugh)

Striking nurses go reason FG offer today — If dem accept, injection go sweet again; if dem no accept, na Panadol and prayer go remain for patient hand.
2025 Flood: 165 pipo don die, 82 miss, 119,791 affect for 19 States – NEMA — Na only canoe company dey smile for this matter.
FG & Kwara go give pregnant women free transport go hospital — Make driver no forget, this na “delivery” of human being, no be Jumia package.
NEMA don collect ₦10bn for flood response — Hope say dem go use am buy life jacket, no be office sofa.
FG tell four Niger LGs make dem relocate because of flood wahala — If you see fish swim pass your parlour, you don know say time don reach to pack load.
Oyetola promise say boat accident go stop — Abeg, make e no be campaign promise wey go sink like boat without paddle.

Police rescue 6 law students wey dem kidnap for Benue — Future lawyers wey suppose dey defend people for court almost turn witness for kidnap case.
Seven Ondo farmers regain freedom after 5 days for kidnapper hand — Cassava fit no get mouth, but e dey happy say owner don return.
Soldiers kill top terror commanders, rescue 134 victims in July — Bad guys no sabi say army get GPS wey pass Google Map.
Troops seize ₦1.3bn petroleum product, arrest 285 oil thieves — If you thief fuel this time, e be like say you dey thief fire directly from soldier hand.
Abuja kidnappers fight over ₦3m ransom after dem kill victims — Even thief dey quarrel over sharing formula, naija politics don enter bush.
Retired DSP talk say e stop corrupt colleagues from killing traveller wey carry bag full of cash — Hero of the day — at least one honest man still dey.

INEC fix August 18 for nationwide voter registration ahead 2027 elections — Make sure say your PVC no dey inside kitchen drawer dey suffer heat.
NOA worry say fake ₦1,000 note dey circulate for Akwa Ibom — If dem give you change wey get picture of basket of fish, abeg reject am.
Tinubu appoint Kaita as chairman of Bayero University governing council — Academic politics don start warm-up.
Ondo court stop Aiyedatiwa from appoint monarch for Alagbon-Ilaje — Crown don enter legal custody.
Aiyedatiwa launch ‘Ondo for Tinubu 2027 movement’ — 2027 still far, but campaign train don already blow horn.
Osun 2026: Adeleke deny fraternise with ADC — Politicians fit dance together but swear say dem no be friends.
APC deny Jigawa gov buy ₦1.8bn luxury car — Naija politics: deny first, explain later.

Naira appreciate to ₦1,560/$ — Small epp, but e still be like person wey drink Lucozade after 10 rounds of boxing.
Rent dey chop 70% of household income – Report — No wonder everybody dey do housewarming for Instagram, but dey cry for inside.
Trump hit South Africa with 30% tariff — Southy go feel am for pocket like person wey sit on drawing pin.
Trump put new 15% tariff on Nigeria & others — Even jollof rice ingredient for export go cost pass wedding gown now.
FG train 3 million exporters on AfCFTA rules — Hope say dem go add practical for how to export tomato without e turn stew before arrival.
Customs fix December deadline to switch fully to AEO — If you no understand wetin be AEO, abeg google am before December.
Dangote refinery get new CEO — E mean say new person go press calculator for oil business.

800,000 fresh undergraduates go do NDLEA drug test from September — Naija weed sellers don start panic mode.
Jigawa varsity secure ₦1bn TETFund money — School go finally get toilet wey get door wey close well.
UNN deny appoint new VC — Rumour mongers, abeg calm down.
UNILAG launch new faculties: architecture, media, robotics — Robots go soon dey vex say dem no get hostel bed.
Second semester exams fit no hold for LASU — Students don dey rehearse “strike break” holiday.

Super Falcons coach say e use Plan B beat Morocco — Plan A na dance, Plan B na score goal.
Falcons ₦150m gift cause wahala — Retired soldiers and police dey vex say their own package still dey “processing.”

No room for xenophobia in Ghana — Ghana dey say “make we chop together,” no be “make we fight over banku.”
I no really be Nigerian by identity – Kemi Badenoch — DNA fit talk one thing, politics fit talk another.
First Lady welcome Taiwan Chief of Mission — Handshake + small smile = new trade deal loading.

Rights commission beg FG make dem pardon Abba Kyari — Na case wey get plot twist pass Nollywood.

Bauchi gov call state “Haven of Peace” — Mosquito no dey count as violence.
Okpebholo approve new commissioners — Political chairs don start musical rotation.
Alia appoint 8 new commissioners — Delta version of “8 is enough.”
Gov Sule flag off 24.5km road project — Pray make e complete before next election poster print.
Uba Sani go share free fertiliser to 100,000 Kaduna farmers — Hope say dem no use am for another business.
Bago order reopening of IBB University — Students don ready to resume gossip.
Oborevwori mourn ex-Assembly Clerk — Delta politics take small break for mourning.
Lagos Assembly hold public hearing — Everybody dey shout “hear us!” inside microphone.
Zamfara resume payment of corps members — Corpers don smile, POS agents don smile pass.
Oyo arrest 14 pipo wey sell adulterated fuel — Buy fuel, get free generator problem.
Oluwo say increase traditional rulers’ share to 20% — Kings go soon join Forbes list.

1998: Second Congo War start — 9 countries, 5 years, 5.4 million dead; no be small fight.
1870: First underground railway open under River Thames — Dem close am sharp-sharp because money waka.

Global Egberi Media Int'l: Truth, Equity and Justice